Introduction Children are prodigiously creative languages users. A single child, by the time she has been drilled to speak properly, i.e. boringly, has probably done more for the expressive capabilities of her mother tongue than all its avant-garde poets combined. Only, no one ever pays her exploits any attention, and avant-garde poets get all the credit. When children contort language so as to speak some previously unspeakable element of their subjective reality, they are babbling; when avant-garde poets do it, they are profound, visionary, emancipatory. I am firmly convinced that avant-garde poets are merely big babies, all of them Peter Pans who never made it beyond the experimental phase of language acquisition, or who did but conduct smash-and-grab raids back into that psychological Neverland every now and then. As far as I can make out, the only difference between what they do and what children do is that, in the first case, we view the act as intentional, whereas in the second we consider it accidental. Alexander Fleming discovered penicillin serendipitously; did we boycott his discovery…? Pierre Élie Ferrier, known affectionately as Pef on home turf, was forty-one when he began writing language-game books for children. What a big baby. His most beloved protagonist, Motordu, is a young French prince who cannot, for the life of him, stop mispronouncing words as their near homophones. Which francophone children themselves tend to do, there being many, many near homophones in that cursed language. Do not even remind me of the time I pronounced the sibilant sound in the verb ‘baisser’, in front of my elderly landlady, no less, as [z] instead of [s]. Pef went on to publish a further fifteen such books. He even compiled a ‘Dictionary of Twisted Words’ (1983). And he’s not bread yet! * * * Original French À n’en pas douter, le prince de Motordu menait la belle vie. Il habitait un chapeau magnifique au-dessus duquel, le dimanche, flottaient des crapauds bleu blanc rouge qu’on pouvait voir de loin. Le prince de Motordu ne s’ennuyait jamais. Lorsque venait l’hiver, il faisait d’extraordinaires batailles de poules de neige. Et le soir, il restait bien au chaud à jouer aux tartes avec des coussins dans la grande salle à danger du chapeau. Le prince vivait à la campagne. Un jour, on le voyait mener paître son troupeau de boutons. Le lendemain, on pouvait l’admirer filant comme le vent sur son râteau à voiles. Et, quand le dimanche arrivait, il invitait ses amis à déjeuner. Le menu était copieux : Menu du jour : Boulet rôti Purée de petit bois Pattes fraîches à volonté Suisses de grenouilles Au dessert : Braises du jardin Confiture de murs de la maison Un jour, le père du prince de Motordu, qui habitait le chapeau voisin, dit à son fils : – Mon fils, il est grand temps de te marier. – Me marier ? Et pourquoi donc, répondit le prince, je suis bien tout seul dans mon chapeau. Sa mère essaya de le convaincre : – Si tu venais à tomber salade, lui dit-elle, qui donc te repasserait ton singe ? Sans compter qu’une épouse pourrait te raconter de belles lisses poires avant de t’endormir. Le prince se montra sensible à ces arguments et prit la ferme résolution de se marier bientôt. Il ferma donc son chapeau à clef, rentra son troupeau de boutons dans les tables, puis monta dans sa toiture de course pour se mettre en quête d’une fiancée. Hélas, en cours de route, un pneu de sa toiture creva. – Quelle tuile ! ronchonna le prince, heureusement que j’ai pensé à emporter ma boue de secours. Au même moment, il aperçut une jeune flamme qui avait l’air de cueillir des braises de bois. – Bonjour, dit le prince en s’approchant d’elle, je suis le prince de Motordu. – Et moi, je suis la princesse Dézécolle et je suis institutrice dans une école publique, gratuite et obligatoire, répondit l’autre. – Fort bien, dit le prince, et que diriez-vous d’une promenade dans ce petit pois qu’on voit là-bas ? – Un petit pois ? s’étonna la princesse, mais on ne se promène pas dans un petit pois ! C’est un petit bois qu’on voit là-bas. – Un petit bois ? Pas du tout, répondit le prince, les petits bois, on les mange. J’en suis d’ailleurs friand et il m’arrive d’en manger tant que j’en tombe salade. J’attrape alors de vilains moutons qui me démangent toute la nuit ! – À mon avis, vous souffrez de mots de tête, s’exclama la princesse Dézécolle, et je vais vous soigner dans mon école publique, gratuite et obligatoire. Il n’y avait pas beaucoup d’élèves dans l’école de la princesse et on n’eut aucun mal à trouver une table libre pour le prince de Motordu, le nouveau de la classe. Mais, dès qu’il commença à répondre aux questions qu’on lui posait, le prince déclencha l’hilarité parmi ses nouveaux camarades. Ils n’avaient jamais entendu quelqu’un parler ainsi ! Quant à son cahier, il était, à chaque ligne, plein de taches et de ratures : on eût dit un véritable torchon. Lundi Calcul : Quatre et quatre : huître Quatre et cinq : bœuf Cinq et six : bronze Six et six : bouse Mardi Que fabrique un frigo ? Un frigo fabrique des petits garçons qu’on met dans l’eau pour la rafraîchir. Jeudi Histoire : Napoléon déclara la guerre aux puces, il envahit la Lucie mais les puces mirent le feu à Moscou et l’empereur fut chassé par les vers très froids qu’il faisait cette année-là, glaglagla… Je n’ai pas tout compris. Bonne écriture. D. Mais la princesse Dézécolle n’abandonna pas pour autant. Patiemment, chaque jour, elle essaya de lui apprendre à parler comme tout le monde. – On ne dit pas j’habite un papillon, mais j’habite un pavillon. Peu à peu, le prince de Motordu, grâce aux efforts constants de son institutrice, commença à faire des progrès. Sept et six = treize ! Au bout de quelques semaines, il parvint à parler normalement, mais ses camarades le trouvaient beaucoup moins drôle depuis qu’il ne tordait plus les mots. À la fin de l’année, cependant, il obtint le prix de camaraderie car, comme il était riche, il achetait chaque jour des kilos de bonbons qu’il distribuait sans compter. Lorsqu’il revint chez lui, après avoir passé une année en classe, le prince de Motordu avait complètement oublié de se marier. Mais quelques jours plus tard, il reçut une lettre qui lui rafraîchit la mémoire. Mardi 4 Cher Motordu, A présent que vous ne souffrez plus de mots de têtes j’aime rais savoir si vous aimeriez bien vous marier avec moi ! Princesse Dézécolle. P.S. Vous avez oublié de me rendre votre livre de géographie. Merci. Il s’empressa d’y répondre, le jour même. Télégramme Destinataire : Nombre de Mots : Mention de Service : Princesse Dézécolle 23 la poste ferme à 5 heures ! J’ai fini de lire le livre, il est très bien et j’accepte de me marier avec vous et avec joie. Amitiés. Stop. Signé : Motordu (prince) Et c’est ainsi que le prince de Motordu épousa la princesse Dézécolle. Le mariage eut lieu à l’école même et tous les élèves furent invités. Un soir, la princesse dit à son mari : – Je voudrais des enfants. – Combien ? demanda le prince qui était en train de passer l’aspirateur. – Beaucoup, répondit la princesse, plein de petits glaçons et de petites billes. – Le prince le regarda avec étonnement, puis il éclata de rire. – Décidément, dit-il, vous êtes vraiment la femme qu’il me fallait, madame de Motordu. Soit, nous aurons des enfants et, en attendant qu’ils soient là, commençons à leur tricoter des bulles et des josettes pour l’hiver... * * * English Translation There was no doubt about it: the Prince of Twistyton lived the life. He lived in the tallest flower of the royal palace. It was so tall that on Sundays, when the Union Yaks were hoisted, they could be seen from all around. There was never a dull moment with the Prince of Twistyton. During the day he and his friends would go on all kinds of marvellous mad dentures. Then, in the evening, they would return to the flower and have epic battles of Bug O’ War in the royal breadrooms. The Prince of Twistyton lived in the countryside. One day you might see him in the fields grazing his herd of baby boats. The next you could find him gliding across the water on his sailing goat. On Sundays he would invite his friends over for dinner. There were always plenty of dishes to choose from: Starters: Prawn Foxtail Chicken Freezer Salad Main Courses: Shepherd’s Thigh Thief Burger & Chips Bangers & Trash Desserts: Jelly & Mice Cream Lemon Cheeserake One day the King, who lived in another flower of the royal palace, said to his son: ‘My son, it is about time you got married.’ ‘Me? Married? But why?’ replied the Prince. ‘I am quite happy living all alone in my flower.’ The Queen tried to convince him: ‘What if you caught the chickensocks?’ she said to him. ‘Who would iron all your crows? Not to mention that a wife could read wonderful furry tails to you at bedtime.’ The Prince of Twistyton listened carefully and saw that his parents were right. He decided to get married as soon as possible. And so he locked the front boar to his flower, returned his herd of baby boats to the farm sled, then climbed into his rocket chip and set off in search of a bride. ‘Oh blast it!’ groaned the Prince. ‘Now I have lost time. I will have to play ketchup.’ Just then he noticed a young pearl who was smelling the wild sun-towers. ‘Hello,’ said the Prince as he came over to her. ‘I am the Prince of Twistyton.’ ‘And I am Princess Scoolteashire. I am headmistress of the local school – for children of all faiths and none!’ she replied. ‘I see,’ said the Prince. ‘Say, would you like to go and visit the swans in the little cake over there?’ ‘The little cake?’ exclaimed the Princess. ‘Swans do not live in little cakes! What you see over there is a little lake.’ ‘A little lake? Not at all,’ replied the Prince. ‘A little lake is something you eat. I am very fond of little lakes, by the way, and sometimes I eat so many that I get the bishops. Then I break out into these little angry Scots that keep me up all night!’ ‘I think your tongue must be screwed in backwords!’ cried Princess Scoolteashire. ‘I will take you to my school, which is free at the point of access, and help you to get better.’ There were not many pupils in the Princess’ school, and so it did not take long to find a spare desk for the Prince of Twistyton, the new boy in the class. However, as soon as he began to answer the questions they asked him, his classmates could hardly control their laughter. They had never met anyone who spoke like him before! As for his exercise book, it was a real mess, full of scribbles and x’s on every line. Monday Maths: One + One = Blue One + Two = Flea Two + Three = Hive Three + Five = Gate Tuesday Why do we put water in the freezer? To make little mice cubes to put in our drinks. Thursday History In 1066 the Norman shoulders of King William the Conker invaded England and defeated the Anglo-Saxophones at the Battle of Tastings. I did not quite understand everything. Good handwriting. S. Princess Scoolteashire, however, would not give up so easily. Day after day she patiently tried to teach him how to speak like everyone else. ‘We do not say: I live in a sausage. We say: I live in a cottage.’ Little by little, and thanks to the help of his teacher, the Prince of Twistyton began to make progress. Five + Five = Ten! After a couple of weeks he was able to speak normally. His classmates, however, found him much less funny now that his tongue was no longer twisty. Nevertheless, at the end of the year, he won the prize for best classmate. This was because, since he was rich, he would buy boxloads of sweets every day and share them all with the rest of the class. By the time he returned home, after spending a year at the school, the Prince of Twistyton had forgotten all about getting married. A few days later, however, he received a letter that jogged his memory. Tuesday 4th Dear Prince of Twistyton, Now that your tongue is no longer screwed in backwords, I wanted to know if you would like to marry me! Princess Scoolteashire. P.S. You forgot to return your geography book. Thank you. He wasted no time in replying. He wrote back the very same day. To: [email protected] Subject: Re: Letter Dear Princess Scoolteashire, I have finished reading the book. It is very good and yes I will gladly marry you. Kind Regards, Twistyton (Prince) And that is how the Prince of Twistyton married Princess Scoolteashire. The ceremony took place in the school itself and all the pupils were invited. One evening the Princess said to her husband: ‘I would like to have children.’ ‘How many?’ said the Prince, who was in the middle of hoovering. ‘Lots!’ replied the Princess. ‘Lots of little nuns and authors!’ The Prince looked at her in amazement. Then he burst out laughing. ‘Without a doubt,’ he said, ‘you really are the right wife for me, Princess of Twistyton. Alright then. We will have children. But while we wait for them to arrive, we ought to start knitting their woolly rats and clocks for the winter…’
1 Comment
Sara
11/10/2022 08:15:37
This is a wonderful translation, thanks for sharing! I hope you got it published!
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